


And a one two three four

by zombiekittiez



Category: Archie Comics, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: AU, AU - Jason Blossom is not dead, Bets & Wagers, Crack, Dancing, F/M, Fluff, Gen, God I hope it's a little funny, Humor, Random - Freeform, Weird, beronica if you squint, bughead - Freeform, headcanons like whoa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 22:53:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10818441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombiekittiez/pseuds/zombiekittiez
Summary: “Betty, you probably don't get this, because you're poor-”“Cheryl, you have seen my house, I am upper middle class at minimum-”“I'm poor,” Jughead said quietly.“-but dance is literally my life now that Jason's been shipped off and all the Vixens started hating me-”“To be fair,” Ginger muttered, “we havealwayshated you.”“-so unless you want to, I don't know, beat me at my own game and challenge me to a dance off there is no way you're going to find out where Jason is.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot of good crack fics out there and this probably isn't one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dance off, friendship, black wig Betty

“You have to sit down, B.” Veronica's eyes were wider than an Hermes Cheval d'Oreint cake plate as she pulled Betty out of line at the cafeteria, and Betty laughed and let herself be pulled along but also secretly hoped it wasn't going to take too long because it was pizza day and they still had a few slices of the ones with the rectangular pepperonis which were deliciously spicy and also geometrically pleasing. 

In the cafeteria proper she saw the usual sort of thing- Josie forcing Melody to drink a carton of strawberry milk- 

“I am _lactose intolerant,_ Josie.” 

“I think that's very narrow-minded of you, Mel, but I don't see what your prejudice has to do with our _aesthetic._ ”

Reggie flirting with Midge- 

“You know, I'm just afraid I'll cost a girl her life because I was afraid to love her.”

“This is literally my first line and it's a 13 Reasons Why reference. FML forever.”

Moose flirting with Kevin- 

“That shirt looks great on you. It'd look even better if we were having sex.” 

“ _Please_ stop talking.”

Ronnie sat Betty down at the usual table. “Don't look at your phone,” she instructed. Betty picked up her iPhone. 

“Seriously?” Veronica smacked it out of her hand. “I just said not to look at your phone. You just.... you just do the opposite of what someone tells you to do? Who does that?” 

“I _may_ have a bit of an impulse control problem,” Betty admitted, eyeing Dilton's pizza slice as he passed by. 

“Try it, Cooper, and we'll be playing the Most Dangerous Game,” Dilton hissed, elbows flaring out protectively over his yellow plastic tray. 

“Ooh, is it Risk? It's Risk.” Archie sat, banging his tray loudly against the table top. “Oh, hey, sorry about your sister.” Betty eyed his two slices enviously. Surely he wouldn't mind if she just took a little nibble...

Veronica leveled Archie with a death glare so potent, so laced with scorn and Chanel No. 5 that he physically reeled back, arms up to protect himself- knocking his soda over, splashing all over his tray. 

“My pizza!” Archie mourned.

“My pizza!” Betty mourned. 

“Wait, what?” Archie looked puzzled. 

“What about Polly?” Betty asked quickly. Veronica handed her back her phone. 

“Oh.” Betty said quietly. 

“I mean it is a very creative use for maple syrup,” Archie said helpfully. 

“Why would someone post these pictures?” Betty asked, upset. 

“Oh, it's on Cheryl's Twitter. She did a whole series- #gettingmybrotherintrouble #sohewon'trunoffandleaveme #seriousbrothercomplex #hackedpollycooperpics.” Kevin was scrolling through his phone as he strolled up to the group, reading aloud. “Seriously, I feel like half the conflicts in this season would have been fixed if you just followed her and saw all her plans unfolding, #cherylbombshell.” 

“Oh, hey, Polly just sent me a text.” Betty thumbed the icon. A picture message showed a small white pregnancy test with two pink lines. 

“Oh, wow, tough break. This is a real conundrum. And all you wanted was a piece of pizza.” Archie said, looking over her shoulder. 

“They're out of pizza,” Jughead said helpfully as he brooded by, burger in hand.

“Fuck,” said Betty. 

~~

“He isn't returning my calls... he hasn't been at school...” Polly sniffled loudly, mascara running down her face. Betty picked up a tissue helpfully and daubed at her sister's face. When she drew back, Polly's make up had smeared to gothic panda proportions. Betty shot her a reassuring smile and dropped the tissue behind her back on the floor and kicked it under the bedside table. 

“I'm sure that's totally a coincidence and not a panicked teenage reaction to fatherhood,” Betty assured her. 

“I don't want to be a single teen mom! They have shows for that! On MTV!” Polly wailed. 

“Polly. Mom doesn't let us watch MTV.” Betty chided. 

“ _Jason_ let me watch MTV.” Polly sobbed. 

“I'll find him,” Betty swore. “If I have to put on a black wig and half drown a man in maple syrup.” 

Polly cried harder. “ _J-Jason_ loves maple syrup!”

“I'm aware,” said Betty dryly. 

~~

“Omigod. Polly: Jezebel turned abandoned woman. Jason: mysteriously vanished. Nancy Drew era Betty Cooper, I. Can. Not.” Kevin Keller's fingers flew across the keyboard as though for emphasis. 

“Ugh, she's doing the black wig thing.” Veronica winced. 

“Where. Is. Jason.” Betty seethed, planting one foot on the bleachers where Cheryl sat, surrounded by Vixens.

“I'm sorry, I'm _far_ too busy working on my dance routine to be bothered answering questions asked by _poor people._ Seriously, I can smell your poverty. It's like pork ramen and off brand fabric softener.” 

“Dance routine?” Veronica asked Kevin, who rolled his eyes and took out his phone. 

“#dancecompetitionnextweek #practicedancing #numberonepriority #doanythingtowin #convenientplacetomakeawager #probablyanimportantplotpoint. I mean, would it kill you to be proactive here?” 

“Betty, you probably don't get this, because you're poor-”

“Cheryl, you have seen my house, I am upper middle class at minimum-” 

“I'm poor,” Jughead said quietly. 

“-but dance is literally my life now that Jason's shipped off and all the Vixens started hating me-”

“To be fair,” Ginger muttered, “we have _always_ hated you.”

“-so unless you want to, I don't know, beat me at my own game and challenge me to a dance off there is no way you're going to find out where Jason is.” 

“Cheryl, I challenge you to a dance off!” Betty's voice rang out dramatically.

The room gave a collective gasp of surprise. Kevin sighed. 

Cheryl's grin grew dangerously bright, as if she had accidentally-on-purpose walked in on Jason in the shower for the fourth time (a record week). “Great! We'll see you both there.” 

“Both? I-” Betty started. 

“#duetdancing #partneredwithReggieMANtle,” Kevin read aloud. 

“Don't worry, Betts! I'll absolutely help you out, you are my best friend. We are going to be the best partners _ever._ ” Archie said, rising to the occasion. 

“Wow, that is really... sweet of you, but I thought we were more like... casual friends? Like branching out, being friends with other people...” Betty began, cringing a little. 

“Oh man, don't you have plans that night? I'm pretty sure you're going to blow off singing with Valerie so you can perform with Veronica at the talent show so you can qualify for the scholarship before you learn the meaning of true love and loyalty and friendship.” Jughead said, clapping a hand on Archie's shoulder. 

“Isn't that just the plot to High School Musical 2?” Archie asked uneasily. 

“Sometimes life imitates art,” Jughead advised. “You can Bet On It. Anyway, I'll partner Betty.” 

“Juggie... you've taken dance lessons?” Betty pulled her wig off hastily and threw it under the bleachers, trying desperately to look normal. 

Jughead smiled. “I have not paid for a single dance lesson, no.” he said reassuringly. “I was honestly only half listening to the conversation. I thought you were talking about a lab partner or something and, seriously, I'm friends with all of you but every science class flashback I'm still dissecting a frog by myself. Rude.” 

The table fell silent. 

“What? I'm literally homeless. I don't even have a cellphone.” 

“#danceoffbettycooperwilllose is totally trending,” Kevin said. “Polly's getting a pretty good following with #bringdaddyback, thought.” 

“Well,” Betty said determinedly. “We'd better start practicing, Juggie.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rhinestone beanie, contest results, Twitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for something completely different

“This is hopeless,” Betty moaned. 

“Well, with that attitude.” Jughead said mildly from a prone position on the tumbling mat. 

“Jughead, you have no formal training and arms like limp spaghetti noodles. We can't do this lift.” 

“Maybe if she laid off the vanilla milkshakes,” Kevin whispered to Veronica in the stands. 

“ _What_ did you say?” Betty turned on the peanut gallery- Kevin, updating his Tumblr, Veronica, halfheartedly cheering with a single limp pompom, and Archie who was occasionally strumming his guitar and singing “Wonderwall” under his breath repeatedly. 

“I think part of the problem is your style,” said a voice from the back of the gymnasium, effectively saving Jughead's life. “What made you go with ballet?” Three familiar women approached from the direction of the locker room. 

“I've had five years of lessons? I mean, can you imagine my mom paying for _jazz?_ I don't think so.” Betty snorted. “What are you doing here, anyway, Josie? Spying for Cheryl?” 

“Are we all forgetting that Cheryl pulled Alpha on Val and tried to steal her Ginger Bread Man?” Josie rolled her eyes. “I mean, I know the plot calls for us to alternately rally behind and shun Cheryl Blossom and all but we've only had storylines in maybe two episodes. Keep up, kitten.” 

“So you're here to help?” Jughead sat up. 

“We have a new track. It's a pop synth cover but it has a lot of pep. We're offering it to you as dance music.” 

“Do you have anything that can also function as a track behind a training montage?” Jughead asked skeptically, reaching for the demo CD. 

Val rolled her eyes. “Tracks 1-4, clearly.” She said. “Track 5 is for the miscommunication that threatens to derail your whole performance, Track 6 is the reconciliation and Track 7 is the grand finale performance.”

“You really went all out!” Archie said brightly. 

“Go die,” said Val. 

Jughead, meanwhile, had been listening to the CD through his laptop and headphones, bopping his head approvingly. 

“I can work with this,” he said, holding them out to Betty who leaned down to listen. 

“But Juggie, this is not something I can dance to.” She said, eyes wide. 

“But I can.” Jughead closed his laptop with a snap. 

“What? But I thought-”

“I never _paid_ for a dance lesson, Betts, but my mom was a world class performer before FP knocked her up in the back lot of the laundromat. It was very romantic,” he added as an afterthought. “Whenever they get into a fight, Dad brings her a bottle of liquid Tide. Anyway, she's been out of the game for a while but she taught me some stuff.” 

“Let's get started,” Betty said excitedly. 

“Okay,” Jughead nodded. “Everybody out.” 

“Out?” Veronica echoed, perking up. “Appreciate our moral support, proletariat. Rah-rah.” 

“But I'm helping,” Archie said, eyes wide as he finagled the strings of his guitar somehow further out of tune. 

“Well, I'm shy. Plus the big reveal is literally the best part of these dance things, so take a hike.” Jughead turned his back as he began rummaging through his bag.

“You don't have some.... _ulterior motive_ to wanting us out of here while you dance your way into Betty's affections, do you?” Kevin asked suddenly. 

“....No.” Jughead said, quietly taking the rose out from between his teeth and putting it back into his backpack. 

“Well, then, that's fine. This _was_ allowing me to live vicariously through your pretty dramas without having to go through my own character development arc, but all good things must come to an end.” Kevin shrugged. 

“We should get a side plot,” Veronica said to Kevin as they walked out of the gym. 

“I'm down,” Kevin said, scrolling through his phone.

~~

“I'm super nervous, and where is Jughead?” Betty fretted backstage as Polly finished curling her hair, making soothing, shushing noises at her excitable sister. The rest of the gang gathered round in a sympathetic circle- 

“#fakephonecall #pretendingJellybeanisindanger #sabotagingthecompetition, @cherylbombshell.” Kevin read from his phone. 

“We're going on in ten minutes!” Betty was paying little if any attention to the other couples waltzing on and off the stage. 

“Yo.” A small girl with long dark hair swept into a side ponytail under a baseball cap poked her head backstage. “Bro's changing, he'll be out in no time.” 

“Oh hey JellyBelly,” Archie said casually. 

“I prefer JB, yeah.” She said stiffly. 

“But-but Cheryl's plan,” Betty stuttered. 

“I texted him as soon as I saw the hashtag. I mean, who doesn't follow @cherylbombshell? It's literally the entire plot in 140 character chunks.” JB rolled her eyes. 

“ _Thank you, JB,_ ” Kevin hissed emphatically. 

JB turned to look Betty critically up and down. 

“Are you... Betty?” The older girl nodded. “Huh. He must really like you. He hates this whole frou-frou dancing scene. He said he'd never go back, no way no how.” 

Betty blushed. “I'm sure he's just being a- a good friend-” she stuttered. 

“Sure, if a friend keeps your yearbook picture under his pillow and writes 'Mr. Jughead Cooper' on all his notebooks, and late on moonless nights he-” 

“ _Thank you, JB._ ” Jughead's hand clamped over his sister's mouth and he beamed at Betty and Betty beamed at him but the moment was broken by Veronica's horrified gasp- 

“Is that a _rhinestone beanie?!_ ” Veronica keeled over and Archie scrambled to catch her. Kevin leaned over to fan her face. “Can't.... breathe... too... tacky...” 

“Jimmy Choo Abel white suede crystal mix pointy toe pumps, Manolo Blahnik Hangisi Snakeskin low heeled loafers,” Kevin whispered urgently into her ear until the color came back into her face and her breathing evened out. 

“I'm surprised that still fits,” JB remarked. 

“Mom used a really stretchy knit,” Jughead said, tugging the monstrosity further down over his glorious head of hair. 

“I want one for the baby,” Polly said brightly. “Does your mom take commissions?” 

“We're on!” Betty yelped, grabbing Jughead by the wrist and hauling him off. He allowed himself to be hauled, flashing a quick salute to the group as he passed. 

“Oh yeah,” Archie said, setting Veronica back on her feet gently. “Gladys was super into it. Like she cried for a week when he said he was through with the pageant scene.”

“ _pageant..._ ” began Veronica.

“ _...scene?_ ” finished Kevin. 

The Josie and the Pussycats cover of “Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend” began blasting over the speakers. Betty alternated petit and grand jetes, twirling a sparkling glitter ribbon. Jughead executed a perfect jazz square. Archie cheered his best friends on. 

“How did I get that girl on the cheer squad? My social status is falling every minute I spend breathing her nerd oxygen.” Veronica couldn't tear her eyes away, fascinated by their perfectly synchronized over the shoulder smoulders. 

“Queerbaiting,” Kevin answered flippantly. 

“Yes,” Veronica said, wincing. “What a scam. Totally a ploy. Definitely not plotting my own OT3.”

“What?” said Kevin.

“What?” said Veronica.

Polly was live streaming on Facebook with a smile. Cheryl and Reggie plotted backstage right. A familiar, dark haired figure sat in the front row, hoodie up, sunglasses on. 

~~

“What do you have to say about that, @cherylbombshell?” Betty asked smugly, pushing backstage, blonde fringe damp with sweat. 

“#killingit.” Jughead said. 

“You are so _dorky,_ ” JB muttered, but smiled a little fondly. 

“Watch and learn, Toddlers and Tiaras,” Cheryl breezed by in a black leotard.

“How did we do?” Betty asked her friends. 

“Amazing!” Polly and Archie enthused. Veronica and Kevin smiled weakly. 

“Where's Reggie?” Betty frowned a little as she looked out toward the stage where Cheryl stood alone, holding a boom box. She pressed play. 

An avante guard version of “Hey, Soul Sister” played entirely on pickle drums began warbling out. Reggie appeared, stage left. He was wearing a red wig. At a nod up at the tech booth, an enormous banner unrolled behind them. A picture of Jason and Cheryl together, surrounded by pink and red hearts. 

“This interpretive dance is for Jay-Jay,” Cheryl declared before throwing herself into Reggie's arms as both sunk to the floor and writhed. Somewhere in the audience, Moose gave a wolf whistle. 

“Seriously, _did no one read the rules?!_ ” Kevin looked wild eyed. 

“Come on,” Veronica snapped, grabbing Kevin by the wrist. “It's time for our side plot.” 

“What are you saying?” Kevin asked, surprised. 

“I've been in finishing school since I was seven. You're gay. _We have this in the bag._ ”

Kevin straightened up. “This is our destiny,” he said solemnly. 

“Ronnie?” Betty looked at her friend with trepidation. 

“Sorry, B. You're not the protagonist for this one. I am.” Veronica gave Betty a lingering kiss on the cheek and swept onstage as Cheryl and Reggie finished their grand finale with a pas de deux into a dab to an eerily silent audience. The hooded figure clapped politely. 

Together, Kevin and Veronica danced a very passable foxtrot to an impromptu acoustic version of “Just a Friend” by Biz Markie as performed by Archie Andrews. Everyone clapped politely. They took first runner up between Ethel and Trevor who danced swing to Big Bad Voodoo Daddies and Midge and Moose who danced an impressive mambo to Lou Bega's “Mambo Number 5.” 

“Tied for last place,” Mr. Weatherbee announced tiredly, “is whatever the hell Cheryl and Reggie, Betty and Forsythe did in this classical ballroom competition. Did you kids even read the entry form? This is why our standardized test scores are so low.”

“ _Thank you, Bee,_ ” Kevin hissed, hugging tight to his first runner up trophy. 

“Now we'll never figure out the mystery of Jason Blossom's disappearance!” Betty lamented. Jughead put a comforting arm around her shoulder. 

“Mega bummer. You wanna go out some time?” Jughead asked. 

“I dunno, Juggie.” Betty bit her lower lip. "I'm definitely into you and this whole Jim Butcher/Nancy Drew fanfiction crossover we've got going on, but I worry we don't have enough in common. I mean, you act all broody and dark but you're actually kind of a cinnamon roll. I will literally stab a man. Are we a good fit?” 

“That's fair,” Jugehead said sadly, turning away. “I _am_ weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in and I don't _want_ to fit in. I mean, I like square cut pizza over triangles. And those little rectangular pepperoni pieces. So geometrically pleasing. That's weird.” 

Betty, eyes shining, kissed him. 

“Oh thank god,” JB sighed. 

“Sorry little bastard babies,” Polly said sadly to her stomach. “MTV it is. Maybe we'll get a record deal after the season ends.” 

The hooded figure rose and bounded up the stage, sweeping the pregnant girl into a romantic dip and revealing his face. 

“Pollywobbles!” cried Jason, hair dyed a streaky black. 

“Jay-Jay!” Polly squealed. They kissed passionately. Everyone freaked. 

Well, mostly everyone. 

“How are you not surprised by any of this?” Veronica asked Kevin, who rolled his eyes. 

“Hello? @JayBrahsome? #brothersofsilentclemency #weirdmonestaryforbadboys #bustingout #bringdaddyback. _Twitter saves lives, people!_ ” 

“Aw, babe, we're trending.” Polly skimmed through her rose gold iPhone happily. 

“Cheryl...” Jason broke away from Polly, took his sister's hand. “I'm not mad. I know why you did what you did, and honestly things were so messed up that I might have literally died if you hadn't hacked my phone, shamed my preggers girlfriend and got me locked up in a religious facility. Imagine what a dark, weird place that would have been. But seriously, this stuff is a little much.”

“But we're twinsies,” Cheryl whimpered. 

“I know? But...I thought we could be more like... casual siblings? Like branching out, being related to other people...”

“Are you twin breaking up with me?!” Cheryl shrieked. 

“Man, all this awkward family drama is making me hungry,” said JB. 

“Me too,” confessed Jughead. 

“Pop's?” suggested Betty. 

“Man,” complained Kevin. “Props for being here and saving me from being the odd man out, JB. Being gay in a small town is the absolute pits.” 

“You know, funnily enough, I think I know a guy,” said JB. “He babysits me sometimes. How do you feel about snakes?” 

~ End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a thing. I heart comments.


End file.
